Some paths are so twisted and hidden that once in a while
you have to reach out and let Him guide you.
My name is Darrell Burton. Very shortly now I will be called
Elder Burton for the summer as I will be a YPM (Young Performing Missionary) in
Nauvoo. This is my rather long story about how I came to be where I am and
where I'm going in particular regards to serving a mission in Nauvoo, Illinois
for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. I apologize beforehand for
the length. Hopefully it helps someone somewhere somehow or if people just need
to know..... I am not offended if you don't read it.
During the summer of
2010 I was trying to decide when to submit my mission papers, if I should go to
a semester of college first or just wait until I turned nineteen and go on a
mission. Through much thought, and prayer I decided to go to a semester of
college first studying trombone performance at USU, and turned in my papers
when I was able to. I had the date set for when I was able to leave just after
classes would finish. On October 31st I received a phone call from my bishop
who informed me of the mission departments concerns for a couple of things with
me serving a mission, amongst those concerns were trouble sleeping, eating
disorders, social anxiety, and depression. I was advised to see a counselor and
resubmit my papers after about six months of being free from the emotional
chains holding me back. For the next two semesters I struggled with many things
and saw a counselor. School didn't go so grand and neither was I. I was raised
and expected to serve a mission, and not many people understand/understood the
setbacks, and the pills I was trying didn't help and some made me really sick.
The unfulfilled expectation to serve didn't help anything and neither did
everyone not being able to understand why I wasn't gone already.
At the end of the semester I had a good friend, Tori, who
went and served a service mission in Nauvoo playing trombone in 2011, which I
thought was so extremely cool, but I didn't think much of it except I was
jealous that she could play the trombone as a missionary. Anyways, I went off
pills and started to rely more on friends and exercise. I got a job doing
production work on grave shift, so sleep got a lot worse, but I was doing well
emotionally, I had found a girlfriend and we had talked about plans to get
married after I got back from a mission. Everything couldn't have been more
perfect. About a year after the first attempt I started my papers again. With
my interview with the stake president it was decided to wait one month more and
if all was well with emotional and another concern my mission papers would be
submitted. My girlfriend dumped me very shortly after that and my grandmother
whom I loved very much passed away within two weeks of the interview. Along
with the grave shift my emotional well being plummeted dramatically and I no
longer felt capable at the moment to continue with those plans to serve and I
decided I would get back to trying to be completely well emotionally, and
without leaning on a friend as I had done. I told the stake president not to
send in my papers. I believe many still don't understand why I was unable to
serve a full time mission then either.
I had taken the semester off of school planning to be going
on a mission, and while waiting for the next semester to start again so I could
go back emotions got much worse. When school started things picked up, and it
turned out ok. During the summer I returned to my grave shift job and things
dipped a again, but I had strong friends who lifted me up. Fall semester of
2012 started and I started seeing a counselor again. My friend Tori thought
it'd be cool if I auditioned for the Nauvoo Brass Band as a Young Performing
Missionary. I started to think about it and had determined to start auditioning
but I hadn't started it yet.
One night, rather late in the evening, after having a
particularly bad day emotionally I decided to go for a walk past the temple in
hopes of being uplifted somewhat. I didn't make it that far that evening. Less
than twenty yards out of my apartment I got a phone call, much later in the
evening than I would have ever expected from anyone, nonetheless a stranger,
and even more so from an elderly person as far as I could tell from the voice,
and the conversation that followed was even more surprising. Some days or weeks or so earlier Tori had
given my phone number to Elder Brague, who was the director of the Nauvoo Brass
Band that I was thinking about auditioning for. I spent the next half hour or
so talking on the phone with this very happy little elderly gentleman whom I
didn't know at all. He talked to me about Nauvoo and had been told by Tori that
I was a decent trombone player. He told me that he was excited and looking
forward to hearing me audition and we talked a little about emotions and he
gave me some advice. He asked if I had ever served a mission before and I told
him I had not, to which he responded that I'd be a return missionary at the end
of this coming summer. What I most got from the phone call was a divinely
timed, and I'm sure inspired by The Lord, phone call from an extremely happy
elderly man who lifted my spirits and made me excited to try out and audition
for the Nauvoo Brass Band as a missionary.
Though I was still struggling with emotions everything
started to fall into place and work out. I feel very strongly that The Lord has
let me go through my harder times so that He may build me up for His purposes,
one of which is this service mission in Nauvoo. I know that He Lives and loves
me personally and there were lessons which were hard for me but that I needed
to learn so that I can be of greater use to Him. I don't know what those
purposes are yet but I feel that Nauvoo is the start of my journey and
everything has fallen into place for me to be going there now. I sent in my DVD
audition and told Elder Brague that it was in. A couple weeks later I was
informed of the call back live audition to be held in Salt Lake City in the
beginning of January. I had started seeing a counselor for my emotional
struggle again and we were making great progress and relatively fast compared
to prior experiences. The beginning of the week following my audition in Salt
Lake Elder Brague called me to officially extend the offer for me to be in the
Nauvoo Brass Band and to start my paperwork to be called and set apart.
Within that next month I have been able to stop seeing a
counselor because I have been able to step out and progress enough that it was
no longer needed. It has been now two to three months since then. It doesn't
end there however. Satan doesn't want anyone to go on missions and I am no
exception. Depression was still struggling at times and I wasn't as strong as I
needed to be. Following about a month or so of being really low again I decided
to actually go and do the small things that I wasn't very strong with, but that
everyone knows you need to do. I was going to church and I occasionally read my
scriptures and said my prayers, but they weren't as strong habits as they
should be. I started to read my scriptures in depth for an hour or so every day
and the difference was immediate. The promise of reading the scriptures being a
protection from the adversary and a great cure from emotional struggles is a
very tried and true promise. It works. The Book of Mormon is a true and living testament
of Christ, and it got me up the next step.
The next week I put a rock on my pillow to remind me to say
my prayers and further closer my relationship with Heavenly Father and with
scripture study has exponentially changed my attitudes. I have been able to
talk to people and say hello when I used to not be able to. I have been more
optimistic about anything then I generally ever have been before. I have been
able to step out of my comfort zone, and my thoughts and actions have been much
more uplifting to myself and others. I have found another really close friend
whom I may never have found, but I am not leaning on her emotionally and I feel
that I can now have strong relationships built in good things that may or may
not end up going somewhere, but most importantly it won't shred my life if it
doesn't work in the end. I have learned to be an extremely open and caring
person that I can tell my story to anyone who really asks or wants to know. I
know that it's ok to cry once in a while and that things will work out in the
end, and I know that it won't kill me to be vulnerable and that in irony there
is actually strength in being vulnerable. I have a testimony of Christ and His
atoning Sacrifice. I know that we can feel peace in this life and the life to
come. I know God knows and loves each and every one of His children and that
our trials are preparing us for things to come. Without having struggles I
would be a very different person than I am today, and I wouldn't be going to
Nauvoo. I wouldn't have the opportunities to learn and prepare for whatever it
is that Nauvoo is preparing me for. Nauvoo is where I am supposed to be and I
have a testimony about this great and marvelous work.
Sincerely,
Darrell Legrand Burton
(Elder Burton by the end of this week)
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